Tears began to run down my face as I sat in the clamy leather seat to bring my testimony of a marriage gone wrong. As I sat there alone looking out into the court room filled with a grand total of five people the feeling of failure permeated the room. The large room was suddenly so small. His chair was empty. He tore the marriage down to shreds and still could not even show up as a sign of remorse. It was all too real. A marriage, something that I held to the highest holy standard was over. And no matter what he did and what I did not do . . . It failed.
Although the pain becomes less and less as the days pass, the pain is still there. As I reflect on today, one year when my divorce was final, it still hurts. No matter how much you love someone you can not convince them to love you back, even if you beg. It hurts to be abandoned by choice, and then forced to have a broken home. Being a single mom is literally one of the hardest jobs out there, a job where there is literally no break whatsoever. Although I love my little girl deeply, I still struggle with the unfairness of doing this on my own. Not only for the desire to have a break, but that my beautiful child deserves a healthy two-parent home. In reality, I rather be a single mom the rest of my life than for my daughter to ever witness any man hurting me. Divorce was my only choice. Still today, I wish things could have been different under different circumstances. Despite the struggle, this past year has brought some amazing transformations. I have watched this beautiful little girl who I am blessed to call my daughter grow up so much. She has grown to be a strong, compassionate person. And I am not too sure if she would be as strong if she was not given a one-parent home. I can see God shower her with extra love, peace, and strength. I have also been able to cherish and enjoy her double the amount because it is just me. Those kisses and hugs are even more memorable. I get extra "I love you" and "You are the best mommy ever" lines. The time we share together is intimate and purposeful. I have seen myself transform from a torn-down, lifeless person who endured years of pain into a fierce woman. My self-esteem, my heart, my life that was one taken from me has now been taken back. Every day I learn a little more about myself and my mom-hero cape becomes a little more prominent every day. I continue to let go of what could have been and choose to see the joy and love of today. It is a continual process of acceptance. Although I will never be the person I once was, I feel as if I am exactly who I need to be now and am dedicated to continually growing myself to be a better believer, and mother. For that, I am grateful. Healing continues to come and the pain stings less and less every day. I have no doubt that even though the decision of divorce was not the one I wanted and I wish I never had to choose, it was the best decision for my little family to be protected, safe, and healthy. I am a better person, mother, missionary, friend, sister, etc.. because of it. Even though ultimately my spouse did not choose me in the end, God has. God unconditionally loves my daughter and I, and completes our family. Although my family looks different from most, it is perfect in His eyes because He completes it. There is a heavenly Father who is there for you every single day. He will never leave you, hurt you, or abandon you. God will never let you go. |
AuthorMelissa Brown is a strong momma who lives in Wapakoneta, Ohio. She enjoys spending time with her daughter, Zoey, and taking long naps. Posts
May 2024
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